Saturday, March 14, 2009

when is it ok......

.... to quit entirely?
to give up.
to throw in the towel.
please tell me when.

I'm home from Ecuador now. One week went so fast. It was a bittersweet week.
SO good to be back. SO good to get to spend some time with so many of my good friends.
SO hard to just jump in and jump back out.

Camp was crazy as always.. nothing else is to be expected! It was a lot of fun, and there were several kids from my fourth grade English class from last year at camp, so that was really nice. But it made me realize that I much prefer the normal day-to-day life that happens back in the city. The coming and going. The waking up early to go to the school. Things like that.

While there were a few friends that I didnt get to connect with at all during my time, I did get to see and chat with the majority of them.
Some conversations were serious. Others left me laughing to kill myself. While others yet left me wondering what is the best way to refuse a proposal??! (only one of those)
Others sent me home with a sore heart.
One of those conversations... more like a confrontation actually... was continued tonight. And it left me feeling shaken up and a bit nauseated to be quite honest.
Some people are hurting so so much that the only way they know to make themselves feel any better is by hurting other people around them. This particular friend is someone that I really love. And to be honest,I dont really know why! I couldnt tell you the number of times I'm been in the "friends penalty box" with this dude- receiving the silent treatment every time. And usually about nothing. Maybe a difference in opinion or my forgetting to say hello or something. And yet he holds a little section in my heart, and I cant seem to kick him out of it.
The other day I was praying LORD, when is it ok to just quit? When is it ok to stop caring about this person and to move on... because quite truthfully I'm tired of the games and of having to hide the fact that my feelings are actually a bit hurt- and, by the way, how does it happen that after so many times it sort of doesnt even hurt anymore?!
And you know what He told me? Never. "70 x 7, girl, and thats just a metaphor" He said.
And I said (then and again today), "but it HURTS!"
And He said to me today "Think about how much it kills me every time you miniatures choose not to love me." and He doesnt quit.
Loving unconditionally is so dang hard. SO HARD.

1 comment:

Christiane said...

Thank you SO much for that post Jules. I sure get what you are saying - so know you have a friend who asks the Lord the same questions sometimes. If you have time, I'd LOVE for you to email what the heck happened... I have suspicions as to who you are referring too... Anyway. I love you, and can't wait to call you when I'm in Nairobi in under 2 weeks. We'll make a phone date - but I'd love an email too, if you can swing it :) I love you. Thank you for being easy to love :)